Taglines

 Taglines

The barber in our town only knew one haircut. At the age of nine I was walking around with a combover.

Ike: 'Logic tells us we don't send every dead bird we find in for an autopsy.'

Ollie: 'No, we throw them at the gay guys.'

I'm a winner, I'm a sinner, I'm a midnight grinner, an' I get my lovin' on the .. no 

In my defense I was left unsupervised.

It's so hot my garlic took its cloves off.

God creates man

Man creates AI

AI creates autocorrect

There is a story of Albert Schweitzer, in Darkest Africa, chasing the dog who was chasing the chicken around the yard. "No, no, my friend! Remember you are a vegetarian!"

The reason Freud was preoccupied with sex was he didn't get any. --Somebody paraphrased

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. --W.C. Fields

If you can't say something nice, come sit by me.

Go ugly, avoid the rush. --David Spada

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect by standing up fast

In a rain dance, timing is everything

There's an Amazon River now, really? What's next, Lake Facebook?

Does your dog bite? 

No, it's worse than that, she judges.

You lays low and you don’t say nothin’. –Brer Rabbit, and Bambi’s mom says so too.

Congress tried to shut down the patent office in 1899. They said everything had already been invented.. 

You can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter.

Turkey! So good they named a country after it.

Congress wanted to blow up the moon in 1958. Why? Because they thought they could.

Me: Can you pass me the rooster sooster sauce?

Him: The what?

Me: The warsa chester sare sauce.

Him: Are you having a stroke?

Me: The worst sister share sauce.

(clunk!)

Isaac: Ouch! Why did that apple hit me on the head?

Oliver: Because it did, you big stupid.

Marriage counselor to husband: 'Do you feel dominated by your wife?' 

Wife: 'No, he doesn't.' 

I used to be stupid, but I've grown and morphed into something quite cunning, I think.

She said she missed me. Normally that's good, but she's reloading

Many people are too judgmental. You can tell just by looking at them

I'm angry with someone. I don't remember exactly who or why but I'm pretty mad at them

If you don't like tacos I'm nacho type

Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest in Monte Carlo. He came in third

Carrots: Not so good for the eyes, but number one for rectal itch

It's a race riot, no, it's a bus stop

News guy interviewing a 106-year-old, yelling over an incredible racket coming from upstairs: "And to what do you attribute your advanced age, Mr. Oldman?"

Really old guy: "Oh, living in nature, I think."

News guy, looking up at the ceiling, "... erm, and what --"

Really old guy: "Oh, that's my dad. He's always partying."